I`m really just losing it.
I can`t stop thinking about everything lately. Mainly about miscarrying. It`s really hurting me on the inside. I really wish it wouldn`t. I wish I could just say "what`s meant to be is meant to be, what isn`t, simply isn`t.." But I can`t say it to myself, and I can`t think it.
It`s like all my life, I`ve wanted this one thing. I`ve wanted to be pregnant and have a baby. Especially since I had my abortion @ 15. (I`ve totally come to terms with it, with some minor problems with it along the way...) But for almost 5 years now, this terrible baby lust is taking over me. I WANT nothing more then to be a mother, and after so many miscarriages, I feel like I should just give up that want, that dream, that wish.
And I`ve turned to drinking. Not drinking once a week to have a good drunk and getting over it for a night. It`s turned into a every night, 5-20 rye and cokes, going home completely smashed, and crying my eyes out.I just think of random things in my life, and I can`t take it anymore. I just wish I could wash away all the memories I have.
To just not think anymore.
And I can`t sleep anymore without drinking. I have these terrible nightmares, about my ex and when he would pull knives on me, tell me he wanted to kill me, when he would rape me, etc.. And on the odd occasion i`ll wake up crying, and screaming "I want my baby", because in the dreams I actually have a baby, and someone either kidnaps it or the baby dies.
As I type this, I am at a friends place, drinking, waiting for her to get off work, so that we can go to a bar...
When do you have a problem with drinking? How much/how often is too much???
I know it`s a problem when you`re using it to cope, but I don`t think it`s really a problem.. I still go to work, I still pay my bills, I still take care of my stuff that I need to...I am sorta kinda using it to cope though...
If you`ve read this far... thanks...