I`m really just losing it.
I can`t stop thinking about everything lately. Mainly about miscarrying. It`s really hurting me on the inside. I really wish it wouldn`t. I wish I could just say "what`s meant to be is meant to be, what isn`t, simply isn`t.." But I can`t say it to myself, and I can`t think it.
It`s like all my life, I`ve wanted this one thing. I`ve wanted to be pregnant and have a baby. Especially since I had my abortion @ 15. (I`ve totally come to terms with it, with some minor problems with it along the way...) But for almost 5 years now, this terrible baby lust is taking over me. I WANT nothing more then to be a mother, and after so many miscarriages, I feel like I should just give up that want, that dream, that wish.
And I`ve turned to drinking. Not drinking once a week to have a good drunk and getting over it for a night. It`s turned into a every night, 5-20 rye and cokes, going home completely smashed, and crying my eyes out.I just think of random things in my life, and I can`t take it anymore. I just wish I could wash away all the memories I have.
To just not think anymore.
And I can`t sleep anymore without drinking. I have these terrible nightmares, about my ex and when he would pull knives on me, tell me he wanted to kill me, when he would rape me, etc.. And on the odd occasion i`ll wake up crying, and screaming "I want my baby", because in the dreams I actually have a baby, and someone either kidnaps it or the baby dies.
As I type this, I am at a friends place, drinking, waiting for her to get off work, so that we can go to a bar...
When do you have a problem with drinking? How much/how often is too much???
I know it`s a problem when you`re using it to cope, but I don`t think it`s really a problem.. I still go to work, I still pay my bills, I still take care of my stuff that I need to...I am sorta kinda using it to cope though...
If you`ve read this far... thanks...
imo, its not good to drink or do drugs when you are using it to make you feel happy, because it can start that you wont feel happy unless you have it kwim? Also, if you need it to go to sleep you could have a problem. Are you able to talk to anyone who you are close to about your feelings on your miscarrage? Maybe it would help just to let someone else know how you feel, or if you didnt have someone close to you maybe you could talk to a counceler. I am glad that you are doing a good job at work and paying your bills.
huni becareful i went though a similar faze when i had my abbortion , to cope i would drink and do drugs everyday i thought it would take away some pain it helped for awhile but it became worse as the drugs and alcohol made me more depressed but i kept having more thinking itll get better.
It took me awhile to realise i didnt need the drugs or alcohol i just needed a big cry and someone to listen to me just realise me from my aches and pains.
i know you think the drinking isnt a probably and your doing what u need to , but in the long runs you knoyour doing it , just think about it hun and try to talk to someone.
if you need to vent feel free to pm me or msg me
oh my god :shock: geez anyone would thing i was drinking and smoking writting tht msg lol
huni becareful i went though a similar faze when i had my abbortion , to cope i would drink and do drugs everyday i thought it would take away some pain it helped for awhile but it became worse as the drugs and alcohol made me more depressed but i kept having more thinking itll get better.
It took me awhile to realise i didnt need the drugs or alcohol i just needed a big cry and someone to listen to me just release me from my aches and pains.
i know you think the drinking isnt a problem and your doing what u need to , but in the long run you know why your doing it , just think about it hun and try to talk to someone.
if you need to vent feel free to pm me or msg me
Hey chick, I have been kinda worried about you lately. Seems like every time we talk you feel like shit. Like I wish I knew what to say to make things better, but I don't..All I can say is I'm here for you if you need me.
....What she said.