"Anchored"?

I don't know how feasible it is, but taking a small break from your kids, if you can, for a day or two makes you so happy to see them again, when you do. Tenzin was at my mom's for a week and the whole time, no matter what I did, I found myself talking about him. When he got back I was so happy and we got out and did so many things that day. And, I swear, Jeff suddenly turned into superdad (albeit short-lived) when he got back, because he has missed him so much. Our jobs as mothers are 24/7, so a small break can go a long way.

I completely agree with revolt. Taking a break from your kid(s) works wonders when you feel like running away from everything. You may have given up a life of no burden, but try to focus your energy on what you have created and how much you have gained since having a child. You deserve to runaway every now and then because after all, you are still human and everyone needs to be alone at one time or another. Sorry I don't have more advice!

Yes,i know how you feel. Just last night my friend was talking about going to study abroad in japan & and i was so jealous. Because although I could do that if i REALLY wanted to, it would be 100x harder w/ a kid, and especially as a single mom. I am reminded by a lot of people that the things that i feel i'm "missing out on" are really just trivial.Like for instance, the typical college scene that most of my friends are a part of. I feel like I'm really missing out on that, but they swear up and down that it's just superficial and meaningless, and i'm really not missing out at all. I want to join the peace corps, but I can't right now. That doesnt mean I cant forever. When my kid graduates, I will only be in my late 30's, and these days that's not even really old. There are a million things I can do at that point,if I choose to do them. Like the others said, mini vacations from your child are great. My "mil" (or something) took jules for a couple days and i missed her SO, so, soooo much. It was unbelievable to me how much I missed her, but i needed that break so bad. I guess to see that in the end, she is what matters most to me,more than studying abroad or living the typical college scene or whatever else makes me sad. Sometimes i just have to leave jules w/ my bd so i can go drive and do what i want, just to feel free for a few moments. I know what you mean about wanting to drive off sometimes. Motherhood is wonderful and beautiful, but also sad and confusing to me.

I totally know what you mean. I find myself feeling that way often. One of my problems is that I hang out with a group of 20-somethings all in college, working part-time, mostly all living with their parents and basically free to do whatever they want when they want. I really envy that freedom. If I wasn't a mom I would probably be living that life too, almost (minus the living with parents). When I was pregnant I knew life would be different and I'd have to give up a lot, but I had no idea how difficult it would actually be! If I had known, I really think I would've been more careful and probably not have gone through with a pregnancy. At the same time I am privileged to have my moms help with Jayden and I do get time away from Jayden, maybe even too much. I have trouble coping with being a mom and I don't connect well with other mothers I meet because they seem to have adjusted better to their role while I'm still struggling and I'm too afraid of them judging me. It's not something I'm proud of, but I often think to myself that things would be easier if I didn't have a kid and I'd probably be happier. There are so many things I would like to do, but I have a hard time starting because I know it's going to be a lot harder while having a kid. I think it's good that you've shared this. It helps to know I'm not the only mom who feels like this. It's good to vent to someone who understands. All of my friends are kidless, so this is something I normally keep inside. :(

[quote="julesmama"]Yes,i know how you feel. Just last night my friend was talking about going to study abroad in japan & and i was so jealous. Because although I could do that if i REALLY wanted to, it would be 100x harder w/ a kid, and especially as a single mom.[/quote] I completely understand. Because I also study French, have of my classmates were always talking about their 3rd year away in various places in France. I could have done that too, if there wasn't the added expense of my son and SO whom I couldn't possibly take with me, or leave behind. I was part of a program in high school where a few of us were youth ambassadors from Canada to Germany. I had such an amazing time there and have always wanted to go back. So now I think about it - okay, ten years from now, maybe I'll be able to go to Europe..or maybe 15.. And then it hits me - 15 years?! That's forever - when will I be stable enough to actually [i]enjoy[/i] myself? So I have to look at the positives - by having a child now, no matter how my life, education and career progress, I won't have to 'take a break' from it all to do the whole childbearing thing (I don't want more kids). Being in school while Tenz is is great - we get home and talk about our days and our love of learning. It really ancourages him to go to school knowing that I, a "big person" go, too. Figuring out my own life while he grows right alongside me is wonderful - I never have to figure out when the right time to have a kid is - I have mine, and he's perfect. When no one else is around, I have this little individual who will hug me and have conversations with me and care about everything I have to say. I love the age he's at - no matter what it is - I love seeing him grow, his interests change and I have the ability as a young person to keep up with him. Best of all - I'm still young. My youth didn't vanish when I gave birth, I just had someone new to love. Every bit that Tenz gets older, there's a little bit more freedom for me. I can still do what I want, it just needs to be given more thought. I have so much time left to do so much, because I got this whole mothering gig out of the way at a young age, heh.

That chapter resonated with me too, and with many other young moms as well, I'm sure. Motherhood enriches and expands our lives in so many ways, but there are costs, too--avenues that become closed to us, experiences that are difficult to have or must be postponed, and so on. I've found that it was important for me to acknowledge what I lost in becoming a young mother, in addition to what I gained (because usually, we are only encouraged to focus on positive mothering feelings). Even if I didn't acknowledge it, I still felt it, so it was best to confront those feelings head on (via talking, journaling, whatever medium you prefer). I've also found that it really helps to do nice things for myself and take time to pursue interests that are separate from motherhood (school, going to shows, hanging out with childless friends and doing "normal" kidfree young adult stuff, etc). While it's nothing compared to the freedom and privilege of being able to pick up and do whatever, whenever, these little breaks help me to get in touch with myself and to avoid burnout and feeling overburdened. Sadness and occasional jealousy are normal reactions, I think, even though we love our kids. Our culture prizes and exalts the freedom of youth, so it can feel like since we missed out on traveling the globe/living in bars all weekend/whatever in our teens and twenties, we've just missed the boat entirely. I have totally been jealous of childfree people my age before when they are doing things that just aren't feasible for me to do as a mom (spending a summer abroad, backpacking across Europe, spending all their income on themselves without having to worry about kids' expenses, etc).

I can totally understand. I don't think I gave up the life I used to have. I sometimes do feel like I missed out on stuff though because I got pregnant December of my senior year and a lot of my friends went on vacations, took time off, went out and partied that summer. I went along to some parties, but it wasn't the same obviously. Then sometimes I feel like I will never have that ever again. I will never just be able to just go somewhere, like julesmama mentioned to Japan for studying abroad. I do not regret at all chosing to become a mama, but it sometimes is hard in regards to that. I do too, sometimes feel like just driving off somewhere forever. Of course I can still do the same things as before - but it's not the same. My mom takes Lyric a couple times a year for a week or two, which is wonderful. But then half the time I catch up on sleeping and am sitll too tired to go out lol... I used to go to shows out of town before I had Lyric, took small road trips, etc... but I am glad I am a young mother. I wouldn't want to have children when I'm older. Then when she's off to college, etc - I will still be young. But I honestly can't imagine life without my kid... or being a mama.

I don't feel like I'm missing out because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to travel overseas anyway, even if I hadn't become a mother, not the kind of thing I would be able to afford. There were things I would change.. I wish I didn't have to deal with behavioural problems/school avoidance. Maybe you need to feel freedom to feel like you lost it? I guess I never felt like I had a heap of opportunities, just shitty work.. Having a kid in comparison opened up my world.

i don't have any friends who are also parents, so i am in pretty close contact to what all the kidfree people out there "get" to do. and yea sometimes they really make me jealous, and it can be anything from the "lets go on a super long walk late into the night and end things off with a pint" sort of freedom to travelling to financial freedom to being able to leave their house without having to ok things with people first or haul a little person along too. but one thing that really stands out for me is how many of my friends are "searching for something." whether they try to find it through education, their careers, their relationships, their location, it really seems to be a common theme for people in their 20s to be wondering what life is all about, where is it going to take them, what is the meaning of all of this. and even if i can't go for late night drinks on no notice, even if i can't go to NZ like i want to, even if i can't live in a party house with a bunch of girlfriends, i know i can go to bed each night and wake up every morning knowing exactly what my life is for. i am not searching for the "meaning of life," because it is in my son's eyes. i don't need to try to find my niche in the world, because it is next to him and location or circumstance is irrelevant as long as he is next to me. i don't need to hurl myself through all these coming of age experiences, schools and jobs and relationships, all while wondering what is it all for and what does this mean and blah blah, because my life took a different course and even though its hard and isolating sometimes, i do not doubt that i was meant to be his mama. i've doubted my abilities as a mother but i have never doubted his ability to totally put my life on the track it was meant to be on. even when i totally suck at it, and hate my life, and don't like him very much, and we haven't had a good day in a long time and we're broke and hungry and my papers are all late and i have a midterm and and and.. i know in my heart that not only am i meant to be his mom, but he is my soul mate, our life together has always been my destiny, and even with everything in constant flux around us he is my one constant radiating shining light. i know that sounds really, REALLY sappy, but its what i feel about this. and i'm one cynical bitch under normal circumstances. the saying "this too shall pass" has gotten me through many a mindfuck of motherhood, and i really haven't had a very easy go at things, but i still cannot wait to see what the next day has in store for me. so while some women may get to dash off to a commune at 26 because they just KNOW they were meant to have that life, i know i was meant to have this one. and i really can't wait to see what comes next. i know i will live overseas with my child(ren) some day, i know i will write books and teach courses and have lovers and speak other languages, i will own my own home(s) and plant gardens and take vacations and have matching luggage and a great wardrobe and a porch swing, i know i will do all the things i dreamt about doing or ever wanted for my life. because motherhood might slow you down but it also has this really cool way of showing you exactly what you value in your life, what your dreams really are, and what life is really all about. and i hope that doesn't sound pretentious or privileged, and i hope no one is thinking "hah, must be nice to have it that easy" or whatever, because i know that in some of my really sad and dark days of motherhood i'd read things like what i just wrote and wonder how the hell the woman could have ever reached those conclusions, and she must have a better life than me, and then i'd feel even more jealous and isolated. and that sucks. i just wanted to share what gets ME through the really crappy days, of which there have been maaaaaannnnnnnnyyyyyy, and what keeps me going despite it all. i've hit rock bottom in motherhood more than once and it was always when i doubted myself or my life or my abilities. so i just want ya to know its important to keep in mind what life is made of, that the grass isn't always greener, and the answers you're looking for are often closer to home than it might seem. and i'm going to press submit and stop sounding like a freakin hallmark card right about now :P

Honestly, that last post had tears streaming down my face. It was beautiful.

There are so many days when I wonder what I would be doing if i didnt have eric. I think my life would be worse without him because I would still be on drugs. I think even though I didnt want to, the responsibility of him made me eventually realize that i cant go out and party like i dont have a kid. I had to lose a lot of friends and relationships with people to come to this realization but i finally have. I can now dont resent my son anymore for getting in the way, like i used to. I feel like instead of getting in my way he changed my way, he gave me a different path to take instead of the one i was headed on. ANd there are tiems when i do wish i could go out after work or just drive around and look at the scenery. My life is definitely different but I dont know if its necesarily in a bad way at all.

i have gotten to a point in my life where i cant make plans without it including my kiddo. we really do everything togeher. and trust me there are time where im like, goddma if i didnt have this kid i could go and do ...... what ever right?? ive just come to realize recently that if my kid is not there, im not truly happy. dont get me wrong, i have my ba® nights where im utterly happy in my non kid mode. but im plannin a huge over seas trip, and you better believe my kid is involved.. ask me five years ago about my over seas trip... radically different, but i couldnt imagine doing it without her

[quote="emeraldfirefly"] God, mamas, sometimes I feel that sadness so intensely. Sometimes I'm in the car and I just want to keep driving forever. I want to drive someplace I've never been to and come back whenever...if at all. I think about what I could have done if I hadn't had a kid and god, I just want to cry sometimes. I'm sure you all know the feeling of being stuck between your love for your kids and the grief over the life you gave up. It's so hard sometimes...So hard to know that everyone who cautioned you against the sacrifice was, at least in a small way, right. Not that your life is over, but that what you gave up is significant. [/quote] Kristen, I just wanted to tell you that this paragraph that you wrote touched me in a huge way. You are an amazing writer...and put many of my feelings into words. Thank You for that! I am only 5 months pregnant right now, but I feel so torn...I am happy with the decision I made to keep my pregnancy, however I sometimes fear that I made the wrong decision and that I should have listened to everyone and I should have kept my life going where it was. I feel like I cant mourn the loss of the life I had before b/c I am too busy trying to prove people wrong and show that I am happy and can do this. But inside I am dying at times. It is so hard to start over. Wow, I am so lucky to have joined this group. Today is the first time in the past 4 months that I feel like I have others who understand, other moms that I can talk to without feeling selfish, without feeling afraid of being judged. Thank you so much to all of you!

ive been thinking about this alot. and i try a lot to think of all the things that i have done that i dont think i would of had i not had riley. i went/am going to college, never wanted to. i bought a house, would mostly likely not have done. i have met amazing moms, erika rebex tiffany rosie chels... and on and on and on. ive learned sooo much about beeing a poor momma, relizing and understanding racism and priveldege just to name a few. i went to the march for choice, something i had no interest in before. i could go on and on, but when it comes down to it, ive accomplished a lot since ive had my kid, and leanred more than just ow to be a prent, all this... i dont think i would of done without my kid. im almost sure all i would care about is paryting and boys et al (trust me i am boy crazy for sure, its just different now!!!) just something to think about

Okay mamas, I know this is a really old thread, but I read this and it really struck a chord with me. I think that this "sadness" is a lot of what I was feeling a few months ago when I was in a really bad place with ppd and all. I feel like I miss being interesting. All that I am anymore is a mama, and there is so much I still want to do! I want to bicycle from one end of the country to the other, I want to backpack across Europe, I want to live in Costa Rica, I want to build myself a hut in the woods on a mountain and be a hermit for a few years - just hiking around, gathering food, and tending the trails. 98% of the time I have NO REGRETS about my son. My decision to have him was the best choice I ever made. Sometimes I even find myself wishing I'd had him sooner, because he is such an amazing part of my life. Every so often though, I feel restless . . . I don't know what sort of a response I am lookng for. I just read this post and felt like I needed to respond. [quote="emeraldfirefly"]I was just rereading some chapters in Ariel Gore's [u]The Mother Trip[/u] and came across the Essay "Anchored" and found that it really spoke to something I've been feeling lately. She talks about reading Natalie Goldberg's memoir, [u]Long, Quiet Highway[/u] and how the author described responding to a calling of sorts at age 26 and just picking up and moving to a commune. Gore wrote, "...the image of Natalie and the pure freedom of her twenty-sixth year made me sad. Not jealous, exactly. Not even nostalgic. Just Sad. When I was pregnant, everyone from my grandmother to my best high school girlfriends warned me I was too you to give up the autonomy and privilege of life without children. But I hadn't felt the limitation until now." God, mamas, sometimes I feel that sadness so intensely. Sometimes I'm in the car and I just want to keep driving forever. I want to drive someplace I've never been to and come back whenever...if at all. I think about what I could have done if I hadn't had a kid and god, I just want to cry sometimes. I'm sure you all know the feeling of being stuck between your love for your kids and the grief over the life you gave up. It's so hard sometimes...So hard to know that everyone who cautioned you against the sacrifice was, at least in a small way, right. Not that your life is over, but that what you gave up is significant. Is there any way to cope with this?[/quote]

Yea, kaya, your post really was beautiful. My buba may only be weeks old but I havent had the best few days..and just reading your post, and realising I feel the same way, has made me feel so much better.

I totally forgot about this thread and I am glad that I read it. Lately, I have really been feeling this. Like, hardly any of my friends have kids. They can just at the drop of a hat decide to have a party, go shopping, shit even take a shower. They can go to cancun for spring break, and they can study abroad where ever they want to go without having to worry about anything. I really want that. I want to have a day where I just sit. Maybe go to a movie with some friends. Don't get me wrong I do love Eric but sometimes, no, most of the time I woonder what it would be like without him. Not even wonder, it nags at me every day. A lot of the time I wonder if it was a mistake to have him. I love him, really I do. Its jujst hard to see people my age having fun and me going home every damn night. And I know there are things that have changed for the better in my life since he has been born, but i wonder if those things wouldn't have happened anyway. I don't know. Now I feel like a shitty mom for even saying this. sorry

Lately, I've been feeling this way too. I'm not sure if I should post this, but whatever. I had my first kid when I was 17 and everyone told me not to, but, at the time, it seemed like the only thing I could do. By the time I was 18, I had two kids, so I never really got to do the stuff teenagers do. Now, I'm 22 and I feel like I'm missing out on soo much. Like, people in my age group have good jobs and I don't. Its just a lot of things, and I wonder, what if I didn't have any kids? What would my life be like? I read a lot of the other responses and I saw how everyone says their life is better since they had kids or they think xyz and that makes them feel better about having kids and I wish I could say the same thing. Like, when people ask me about being so young and having kids, I say I like it b/cuz I get to be a young mom and at first I really meant it, but I don't think I do anymore. I feel like the worst mom for feeling this way, but I can't help it. I just think that my life could've been so different.

This sounds really petty, but this is the only thing that is an issue for me: I will never live by myself. I went from living with roommates to living with DH, then we had a baby. There are days when I would love to move to a studio apartment in a neighborhood with no parks and inappropriate neighbors and never keep milk in the fridge unless I felt like it. I would love to leave unsafe cleaning products around and leave the windows open and only eat Pez for dinner if I wanted to. My DH and my son make my life better. I just sometimes miss the phantom life.

girlgoddess, I have felt that same way. Last weekend, my mom took my kids and I was all alone, ALL ALONE and it was pure bliss. I did not miss them, not even for a second and when it was the day they were coming home, I was sad and a bit angry. I found myself thinking "What if I would have never had them, woud this be my life? Sleeping until noon and drinking coffee in the sunlight and silence?" I think it is so normal to wonder about the "could haves" and the "might have beens"

I feel like that a lot of the time and it's not that I don't love them, but sometimes I think maybe I should've waited until I was older, you know. Yeah, my kids go to my mom's or their other grandparents and I don't miss them, most of the time I even look forward to it. It just makes me feel like a bad person, that I feel this way.

Not a bad person. A human person, a human mama. There are days when I would practically kiss anyone's feet who would take Max away for a few hours.

my feelings go up and down. first i feel like life is too hard with a child and my kid is unmanageable. then i am in love with her and cant bare to be apart from her. i really dont feel the pressure of taking care of a child because i am away from my child six days a week. but i know i wouldnt be working like an animal if it wasnt for her. my money would go for fun rather than bills. when i was deathly sick i had to take care of my sick child and i just wished i was someone else. i think its normal to feel like this, its human to second guess yourself. i know alot of kidless friends who are searching for a reason to get out of bed every morning, i have that. true i have to get up but my daughter is my drive, my motivation and my reward for making it through every single day. its confusing to feel both at the same time but i guess it comes with the territory.

I think this is a good thread. I've had so many LJ entries just like this, "I want to get in my car and drive away and not come back for awhile." I think its important to recognize that with kids come the good and the bad. That even older mamas still mourn the loss of their life when they have kids. No matter what your age is it doesn't make it easy to realize that this will be with you forever. For the next 18 years or more your life will be ruled by this decision. Because I for one don't want to regret the decision I made at 19. I try to live my life with no regrets towards Xander. He comes with me wherever I go. It makes him a better kid and me a better mama. But in the end I can't just go out when I want too, I can't get drunk and come home at 4 am whenever I want too. I can't be unresponsible. I think he keeps me somewhat grounded. And in some ways when I think of my life at 18 I am in a much better place. Does it mean that somedays I don't have the "what if" conversation with myself? No. But I have to look at the brighter side and the little kid I created. Like Erinn said he has brought about many positive changes in my life.

I've been feeling anchored more then ever lately. I am going through a divorce right now, and I have been so, so sad. I had to pull over earlier because I couldn't keep myself from crying in my car. I hate it when I feel this way because I love my kids so much, but I have been feeling like my life has been a huge mistake, like I could be happy right now if I hadn't had kids, and especially if I hadn't gotten married. I feel like no man will ever want me, and it hurts so bad. I go out and I feel like the only person in the world who has to think about the fact that I can only buy one drink so I can pay the babysitter, or I have to be home by 10 because she's only fourteen. I only just started going out again now that my youngest is 2, and it is so different then it was 6.5 years ago, when I had so much more freedom at 16. I have always wanted freedom, I have always wanted to choose my own path and do what I want, but I went straight from being a daughter with rules to a mother with responsibilities, and though I have the hardest time admitting this, sometimes I wish I could have that in between stage of being a person with no rules or responsibilities except the ones I set for myself. Both my pregnancies were intentional, and sometimes I think I must have been so stupid then, to do this to myself. But I am very depressed right now, this is normally not how I feel.

i am feeling really, really down tonight and this describes how i feel. when the original poster said about the sadness the girl felt over her sisters freedom...... i am feeling that tonight. my best friend who i always thought would be going to the community college with me, is now going away to a university. i am happy for her..... but i feel so sad... i am a senior and i feel very alone... different from everyone else.... everyone i know is going away to college to live in dorms, ect. i am not even going to college this fall because i will be having my baby in early october. everyone talks about their dreams and all these great times they are going to have this summer (prom, beach houses, cruises, parties) and i try to be happy but all i feel is sad.... like i really screwed myself out of all the things i hoped for.. stupid high school dreams, yes.. like the perfect prom, perfect parties.. perfect summer.. perfect colllege... summer flings... the freedoms i waited my whole life for... to be young and free..... and i am doing a bad job of explaining what i mean... when people talk about... "oh how could he give us this project when we have so much on our minds w/ prom and graduation" and things like that... most people dont know i am pregnant .... and i just say "yeah, i kknow what you mean" but really... i just dont care anymore..... i couldnt wait for the end of senior year and all the fun that supposedly goes with it..... now i just dont care... i am trying not to be bitter... but i just cant help feeling this huge loss... i dont know what it is but i just realize that i am having a baby..... i am not going to be like everyone else... i just feel so alone and left behind and like everyones moving on and im stuck here...... like its the big game and im on the bench...... usually i try to be exited about my baby..... but sometimes i am just so sad like i lost something that meant to much to me..... and i dont even know what it is........ but i am feeling the loss now....... sorry about this i cant really explain how i feel and my examples suck...... i just feel like i lost something or im just so sad and i dont know why.