ok, so my bf and i were talking (he isnt bd) and we were talking about if we ever lived together and the role he would take. so my question is, i know alot of mamas on here choose to single parent in a relationship (meaning they do the parenting without help of the bf) so i was wondering.. how do you do that? wouldnt the child(ren) walk all over him/her(ur partner)? if anybody is in this situation can you please tell me HOW u do it?
thanks
parenting versus bf
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Wed, 2005-08-31 13:56
#1
parenting versus bf
I'm am currently having to deal with something similar to this. When my BD and I got together, he already had a son. Then BD and I got pregnant, and I moved in.
Honestly, even after being here way over a year, I don't feel I have any place to discipline his son. His son (M, for the sake of this post) is 14 (almost 15!) and I can sense the distance M wants between the two of us. I don't feel I can do much other than remind him to do his chores, and of course I have authority over him when he's around my daughter, since that's my daughter.
BD and I have had talks about it. He thinks I should be able to speak up more when I need things done around the house, but I just do not feel comfortable with it. I know if I were M, and someone who was 10 years younger than my dad came into our lives and tried to make me do chores - I'd laugh. I guess I'm scared of the rejection, and work more toward building a connection with him first. Sometimes I do feel walked over.. there are points where he disobeys his father's rules right in front of my face.. like if he's on restriction, he'll still walk outside and talk with his friends. It's just so frustrating to not know how to speak up other than to tell BD.
Of course, this is a bit different than a young child that has grown up around the "other person". You have the time to build up that relationship better... then it doesn't seem like so much of an intrusion.
Ha. I guess I didn't even really answer your question more than I posed my own questions..
Sorry about that.. I've just been really frustrated over this situation as of late.
lol! thats ok, i just really wanted insight. i am the type where i dont want some guy to tell my kid what to do kwim? so i dont know how i will deal wtih that when living with someone and he tries to tell my kids what to do..
My fiance and I decided to co-parent Ethan. He is not the sperm donor of Ethan, but he is his father (I left the sperm donor when I was pregnant with Ethan he is the only guy that has been in our lives since then). He does all of the things that any father would do with their child. This is the way that it's best for us. I know that age can be an issue however, no matter how old you are, when you become a step-parent type figure in an older kids life, it's usually a bit more difficult for everyone to get used to the situation. With Ethan, I think it was alot easier because of the fact that he was so young when Ryan became a part of his life. I guess you just need to decide what would suit your family best by how you and your bf feel about the situation.
Nicole, you set the boundaries between your child and your partner if that comes to be an issue. If a partner wants to force a relationship that you and/or your children do not feel comfortable with, that is something that should put up major red flags. I am with you in that I would definitely not feel comfortable with any partner of mine having a parenting relationship with my child either. I ask that the people I date respect the fact that I have a child and respect my child and respect the fact that I am his parent and am the one to do the disciplining as well (though this has never ever been an issue).
I just maried a man who I began dating when my kids were 3 years old and 1 year old. At first I kept my relationship with him very seperate from my kids. I wanted him to be dating me as a woman, not as a mother. But as our relationship progressed, the boundaries faded a bit, and then alot.
You say you don't want a man telling your kids what to do. I don't want to be in a relatinship with a man who I don't trust entirely with parenting issues. THis will not come immediately, and you shouldn't epect it to. This is not something to look for in "flings" or short-term dating situations. But if you find yourself in a relationship and begin to feel serious about about a person, you will need to examine your feelings.
If this man who you don't want telling your kids what to do becomes a life partner, will you really have the energy to be a continual buffer between him and the children?
You definately should always have the last say when it comes to your children, but it's going to be stressful to continually dance around mediating. And what if you ahve another child with him? Do you want your kids to feel divided or united as a family?