It's been about 26 days since I last saw BD......the day after my baby shower, he just dissapeared. We werent fighting, I have no idea why he does that......I've now lost count on how many times he's done this to me.
I think hes maybe seen me for a total of 3 months since I've gotten pregnant...
I keep hearing things about him....like what hes been saying to people about me, what hes been doing behind my back....
The newest thing I've heard was the story of how I got pregnant according to him......(he says, i poked holes in the condom, and when he gave me money for an abortion, i spent it on a pack of cigarettes) heh :S
I thought his family was on my side. Theyre always calling me, asking me over, asking me to do things with them *like go to bingo, or to the mall or something*.....but lately, his mom has been telling him lies. Shes been telling him things like....I say im over him, and hes lucky Im even gonna let him be there for the birth, my parents hate him....etc. I never said those things.....
Every few weeks, he will write me an email telling me that hes sorry for what hes done to me...i.e treating me like poo, saying negative things about the baby, and that he really wants to be with me.....but then, he never calls, never comes over, hasnt bought one thing for our baby, or even writes back.......why does he do this?
I've fallen into this complete deep depression, and I feel like I can't get out of it. I've tried to get myself out...but none of my friends ever seem to be around...or have something more important to do....
I just need someone to go out with, I want to get out of here once in awhile and try to go on with my life instead of sitting here crying day after day for whats been happening...It would be nice to have someone to talk to as well, but it seems like nobody cares at all..
Im due very soon....and altho I'm excited to see my babys face for the first time, and excited to hold him....I'm just really depressed about everything and I'm not even sure of what I want anymore :S...I feel terrible for thinking this way...for thinking I've ruined my life, and I'm stuck dealing with the same crap with the same dumbass guy for the rest of my life...I loved him and gave him so much, and this is what he repays me with?...*sigh*
I just had to get this out, I guess.....I havent posted in awhile so, figured I'd let you know whats up.....
Its hard when you have hopes and expectations if how something should be and something out of your control changes.
My first suggestion is to take whatever steps you can to enjoy this time in your life. A woman's first pregnancy is a special, beautiful, and magical time and youd eserve good memories. Take support where you can find it.
My second suggestion is to stop listening to rumors. How do you really know what BD said to others or what his mom said?
Unless you hear it yourself, you don't know its true and if you don't know its true, you shouldnt worry over it.
What you do know is he's not there and if he's a jerk, you're better off.
You can take legal steps. Any man who fathers a child has obligations to the child. You can apply for child support before the baby is born.
There has been a tiny bit of research done into depression while pregnant. I had horrible depression while pregnant, I was suicidal, and it was horrible to the point where I think that I will never have another baby.
I had a therapist who blew off what I was telling her, and told me it was just harmones.
I know that it can be hard when bd disappears. It can be really hard to get out of that feeling that invades and takes over.
I would highly recommend getting a therapist who you can talk to, who won't blow off your feelings.
Also, I think that it's important to acknowlege your feelings for what they are. You are totally allowed to be angry, upset, hurt, depressed, etc. Those are all valid emotions. The problem is when they take over completely.
Take time to do the small things you enjoy. Take things one moment at a time. What really helped me was to read really empowering things about single moms. I would read anything you can get your hands on by Arial Gore, Allison Crews, and other single mamas.
You are a strong woman. You will get through this.
If you need to talk, feel free to PM me.
My OBGYN also brushed off what I knew was a very sereious depression during my last pregnancy. I have never been more terrified, angry and alone than I was during that time. You are dealing with a lot of things right now and the hormones from a pregnancy are not helpful on top of that. I second what Katg said about acknowledging your feelings and understanding them.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with all of this and while I realize I don't know you, if I can be of any help I'm around.
The rumor spreading is total BS. That's not fair for anybody to insinuate this pregnancy was solely your own doing.
"She went and got herself pregnant"---yeah. Right.
Nothing irritates me more than that.
I do agree with the fact you need support right there where you live. I was living alone during pregnancy for the first 18 months with my kid and it was so hard, and I was too stubborn to ask for help. I thought if I asked for help it meant I was totally incompetent as a mother. Don't be scared to tell someone if you feel like you're going to lose it or if you need a day off or you just need to vent. It doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you smart and trust me, you'll be better off.