I don't spank at all. There are many alternative ways of disciplining and I don't think spanking works. She gets time-outs or I just explain to her what is going on. The thing that works best for Lyric is when I pull aside from what she's doing and tell her firmly to stop doing whatever she's doing... etc. I explain to her what she is doing, so she doesn't get confused.
I don't beleive in spanking at all ever. I don't even consider it a method of discipline.
However. -BLUSH- I have spanked out of desperation. Never hard, but I still felt terrible. Instead of feeling guilty about it and beating myself up over it, I have learned to detect my emotional triggers so if I feel myself getting to that point, I give MYSELF a time-out, regardless of what my child is doing. Once I regain control of myself, I can address the issue. Sometimes it means an extra broken plate on the floor or the garbage can tossed over, but I would rather have a mess to clean up than a hurt and frightened child. I have not spanked since I started doing this, but I have threatened to spank so I still have more work to do.
I never spank and never plan to. Eric is in the distraction stage. I dont punish him for anything because he doesnt understand. If he is going to do something that will hurt him I sometimes yell no really loud.
I don't believe in spanking at all. I give Aria a time-out after she's had a warning. This seems to work well and usually the threat of time-out will make her stop what she's doing. I do yell sometimes out of pure frustration, but I try to stop myself before I actually do it. It's tough, but being conscious of my emotions in the heat of the moment really helps to control my behavior.
I also don't spank. No time-outs either. When DD was smaller, I used redirection. I still do when it applies. Otherwise I just talk to her and let her know what she's doing is not okay. For me though, it's mostly about picking my battles. If she doesn't want to pick up her toys that minute she doesn't have to, but I let her know that she will have to do it before she gets to ____(fill in the blank). Or if she doesn't want to eat, I don't force her to. My general rule is, "If she's not hurting anyone/anything, she can do what she wants." Basically I don't force her to do anything.
I also try not to ask to do things if I'm not prepared to take 'no' as an answer. For example, "Do you want to take a bath?" "No." "Okay, maybe later?" "Yeah, later." Instead of "Do you want to take a bath?" "No." "Well you have to." "I don't want to!" "It's time to take a bath. NOW!" "NOOOOO!!" etc. I feel like asking her a question like that is setting her up for failure. If it's something she needs to do right then (like put shoes on so we can leave) I TELL her she needs to do it, instead of asking her to and then not accepting her answer. Does that make sense? lol
I believe spanking is a human rights violation. If I feel myself getting to the point I am very frustrated- I put myself in timeout.
I have used time outs but not as a punishment. They are there to allow my son to calm down. Going in timeout is not his choice but he can come out whenever he wants to. I think I've put him in timeout maybe 3 times?? It is ONLY for deliberate, violent behavior that does not stop with a "Hitting is not acceptable in our family" thing.
Yes, on occassion, I do spank. The times I have done it are when she decides to bolt out into the middle of the street, or does something that could cause herself serious injury. Most of the time I use time-outs.
i don't belive in spanking, i think it does more harm then good. I was spanked as a child, not ever very much, but my sisters were too and i think watching them hurt too. I think that has alot to do with why i am so scared to tell my mom things. Even at the age of 19 i am terrified of how she will react, and i think that has put a MAJOR daper on our relationship. I don't want my kids to EVER feel scared of me, or like i might hurt them if they do something wrong. So i will never spank my kids, it is going to take alot of will power on my part, just because i have a bad temper and that usually results in me wanting to hit something.
I don't believe in spanking,as a general rule. I can see all the reasons it is wrong.
However i have spanked my kid,also out of desperation.When she was younger and "easier" I was on this holier than thou cloud and thought i would nevereverever spank. But what i didnt know was that my kid would eventually turn into the most high strung,hyperactive, intense, stubborn kid i have EVER met! Not that this is any good reason to spank,of course. I just got to the point where I didn't know what to do,and nothing seemed to be working. And i started thinking "maybe my family/friends/neighbors/everyone and their dogs are right- maybe she just needs a good old fashioned spanking". I think when you get to the end of your rope,you start doubting your ability to parent and that can be dangerous. I have spanked my daughter more than once,all out of desperation, and I honestly I don't think that did anything either. I've got a stubborn one! (but i wouldnt have her any other way!)
But I don't think (i really hope) I will ever spank her again. It has made me feel too guilty and anxious in the past,and didn't really solve any of her behavioral problems either. Its been a long time since I did that so i'm proud of myself for keeping my patience with her.
I have never spanked her. I have lost it twice and smacked her, and not only did I feel like shit, but it didn't work at all. I will never spank her.
We do use timeouts, as a punishment. I have tried other methods, and this is the one that works for us. I generally give her a count to three to change her behavior and then she has to go on a time out.
I don't yell at her. Well, I try not to. We have a rule about "we don't yell at people in this house," and so when I begin to yell, she looks at me and says "Mama, we don't YELL in this House!" which cracks me up.
She is free to go yell in her room, or in another room, but not at me or other people.
And, I am free to go yell in another room as well, but not at her. It works well for us.
I also try not to ask to do things if I'm not prepared to take 'no' as an answer.
I do the same thing! LOL
I also try to make the "not a choice" option seem fun. "Let's take a BATH! We can play in the water and get all clean! You can wash your toys!!!"
Heh- I'm a dork with my son sometimes!
I do that too. :) Although I do slip sometimes. Yesterday we were getting ready to go and DD was telling me to put my shoes on. She said, "Put your shoes on Mommy" I was doing something and she said, "NOW!". Oops. lol
I agree, Julesmama. I NEVER thought I would spank and was VERY judgemental of mothers who spank. She was at least three and a half before I did it, and at least three before I felt the urge to do it. It is easy to say you never will, until your sweet little toddler turns into a terror from another planet. I work really hard to ensure that I never do it again though. I am not trying to justify it because I know its wrong, but I just want mothers of younger children to know that as they get older the "Let's go take a BATH!!!" starts to REALLY lose its effect.
I don't have my own, but we never spank my godson. He's still young enough to be 'distracted' which is great, and time - outs work well ( I've only had to do it twice when I had him, though ). He's a really quick little kid too, so usually you can just tell him to look at you, hold his face and explain in very simple terms what he's doing and why he shouldn't ( like at a restaurant - if he starts to whine, you can tell him that all the other people in the restaurant didn't come to hear him cry, and if he needs to cry, then we'll go outside ).
I remember when I was younger, my parents spanked me and my sisters. The last time they did, my younger sister had lied about something ( can't remember what ), and my dad gave her the option of standing on her head or being spanked.....I recall watching her stand on her head for like 20 minutes, crying hysterically until she couldn't hold herself up anymore, and then she was spanked with a wooden spoon.
I don't think you gain anything out of spanking...It just makes the spankee frightened of the spanker and depletes trust.
We were SPANKED with wooden spoons when we were young too, my mom NEVER beat us. I understand that hitting is hitting, and i agree. BUt you can swat a kid on the butt, or you can beat them until it is blue. There is a difference.
We were SPANKED with wooden spoons when we were young too, my mom NEVER beat us. I understand that hitting is hitting, and i agree. BUt you can swat a kid on the butt, or you can beat them until it is blue. There is a difference.
I also believe there is a difference, but I don't condone spanking. My parent's spanked my sister and I (a swat on the butt with an open palm, no wooden spoons or belts and I only remember a handfull of times when we were actually spanked) and I know it's because they felt it was what was best. Their parents spanked them (my dad had to go cut his own switches to be spanked with, and was spanked BEFORE they went somewhere for how he was going to act when they got there) and so it was what they knew and what they were told to do. I'm working to end the cycle though I hold no resentment to my parents for doing the best they knew how to.
But I do see a difference in types of spankings, it doesn't mean any form is right but there are some that are worse than others.
i don't condone it either. My grandpa was the same with the mom and her siblings, made them cut their own. He was a very violent man. I also don't resent my mom for doing, thats what she knew, and thats what she thought worked. I won't be spanking my kids though, so i think me and my sister broke the cycle. i hope.
Im not a parent yet, but I really really hope that I never get to the point where I have to spank. I think its totally wrong, and want to avoid it at all cost.
That being said, its easier said then done, and a lot of parents spank out of desparation....and I dont want to go ahead and say that they are totally wrong, because I dont know what was going through their heads at the time.
Im not a parent yet, but I really really hope that I never get to the point where I have to spank. I think its totally wrong, and want to avoid it at all cost.
That being said, its easier said then done, and a lot of parents spank out of desparation....and I dont want to go ahead and say that they are totally wrong, because I dont know what was going through their heads at the time.
I have complete and utter compassion for parents who hit their children because they were at the end of their rope and didn't know what to to. I think we need to have more of a "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality in the world in general. Then parents would be MUCH less likely to feel that desperate since they would have help.
You say two complelely different things in your post- that hitting children is totally wrong and that it's not wrong depending on what the parents were thinking. I disagree. Any hitting or any human being is a human rights violation. It really doesn't matter "what they were thinking." It still needs to be dealt with.
I also am angry at the wording of this "HAVE to spank." There is NO REASON a child NEEDS to be hit.
I agree with Delphiki, a child does not HAVE to be spanked.
As for the difference between being BEATEN and being SPANKED, I can tell you there is one. I have been beaten, and I have been spanked. My parents were sure to never spank out of anger, but I have been abused out of anger. Spanking is a punishment which is planned and behaviuor-specific. Beating, or abuse of any kind, is rarley a thought process, simply a reaction.
I have no respect for someone who beats their child, I have less respect for someone who spanks.
I think i just worded it wrong...by have, i mean...if i lose it, and accidently hit my child....I just figured, its real nice for me to sit here, and say that I will never spank my child...but what do I know? I dont have a child yet, so I dont really know what it can get like.
I think spanking as a regular diciplinary tactic is wrong. I just cant sit here and say "every mother who has ever spanked her child, is wrong", because its not fair of me to judge other situations....people slip up and make mistakes....and aslong as that person who has spanked their child, starts identifying what triggered that reaction, and is working to avoid it happening again, I really cant judge what they have done.
Swatting on the but with an open palm is wrong. But it does not cause permanent damage. You are right it is abuse, but it is not nearly the same degree as terrorizing and beating a child. I have never left a mark. That does not mean what I did was OK, but I did not actually cause my child physical damage. Using a weapon against a child can cause serious physical damage. Children have died from this. Parents who use these more extreme methods are abusive. They hurt thier children for a variety of reasons. Parents who lose it and swat on the but occassionally have done something wrong, but they are not abusive parents. I would never condone taking a child away from thier parents for a simple swat on the but, even though it is wrong. But if I knew someone that was beating their child with a switch for lying, I would be seriously worried about the welfare of that child, and I would support the investigation of child protective services in that case. There is a BIG difference between losing it and slapping, and regularly beating as a form of "discipline".
Swatting on the but with an open palm is wrong. But it does not cause permanent damage.
It does cause damage though- just not damage that you can see. It causes psychological damage. I just cannot agree that there is no damage to a child/person when they are hit. I don't think a child should be taken away for that either. My question is: where is the line? when is it damaging, in your opinion?
I have hit my child out of anger. I regret it 100% but I did the best I could from then on out.
I don't spank at all. There are many alternative ways of disciplining and I don't think spanking works. She gets time-outs or I just explain to her what is going on. The thing that works best for Lyric is when I pull aside from what she's doing and tell her firmly to stop doing whatever she's doing... etc. I explain to her what she is doing, so she doesn't get confused.
no spanking here, ever
I am very against spanking.
We do Time outs here or just removing her from the situation or taking the toy/whatever away.
I don't beleive in spanking at all ever. I don't even consider it a method of discipline.
However. -BLUSH- I have spanked out of desperation. Never hard, but I still felt terrible. Instead of feeling guilty about it and beating myself up over it, I have learned to detect my emotional triggers so if I feel myself getting to that point, I give MYSELF a time-out, regardless of what my child is doing. Once I regain control of myself, I can address the issue. Sometimes it means an extra broken plate on the floor or the garbage can tossed over, but I would rather have a mess to clean up than a hurt and frightened child. I have not spanked since I started doing this, but I have threatened to spank so I still have more work to do.
That is good advice MamaButterfly. Easier said than done, but try not to feel bad because eeryone loses it at some point.
I never spank and never plan to. Eric is in the distraction stage. I dont punish him for anything because he doesnt understand. If he is going to do something that will hurt him I sometimes yell no really loud.
I don't believe in spanking at all. I give Aria a time-out after she's had a warning. This seems to work well and usually the threat of time-out will make her stop what she's doing. I do yell sometimes out of pure frustration, but I try to stop myself before I actually do it. It's tough, but being conscious of my emotions in the heat of the moment really helps to control my behavior.
I also don't spank. No time-outs either. When DD was smaller, I used redirection. I still do when it applies. Otherwise I just talk to her and let her know what she's doing is not okay. For me though, it's mostly about picking my battles. If she doesn't want to pick up her toys that minute she doesn't have to, but I let her know that she will have to do it before she gets to ____(fill in the blank). Or if she doesn't want to eat, I don't force her to. My general rule is, "If she's not hurting anyone/anything, she can do what she wants." Basically I don't force her to do anything.
I also try not to ask to do things if I'm not prepared to take 'no' as an answer. For example, "Do you want to take a bath?" "No." "Okay, maybe later?" "Yeah, later." Instead of "Do you want to take a bath?" "No." "Well you have to." "I don't want to!" "It's time to take a bath. NOW!" "NOOOOO!!" etc. I feel like asking her a question like that is setting her up for failure. If it's something she needs to do right then (like put shoes on so we can leave) I TELL her she needs to do it, instead of asking her to and then not accepting her answer. Does that make sense? lol
I believe spanking is a human rights violation. If I feel myself getting to the point I am very frustrated- I put myself in timeout.
I have used time outs but not as a punishment. They are there to allow my son to calm down. Going in timeout is not his choice but he can come out whenever he wants to. I think I've put him in timeout maybe 3 times?? It is ONLY for deliberate, violent behavior that does not stop with a "Hitting is not acceptable in our family" thing.
I do the same thing! LOL
I also try to make the "not a choice" option seem fun. "Let's take a BATH! We can play in the water and get all clean! You can wash your toys!!!"
Heh- I'm a dork with my son sometimes!
Yes, on occassion, I do spank. The times I have done it are when she decides to bolt out into the middle of the street, or does something that could cause herself serious injury. Most of the time I use time-outs.
i don't belive in spanking, i think it does more harm then good. I was spanked as a child, not ever very much, but my sisters were too and i think watching them hurt too. I think that has alot to do with why i am so scared to tell my mom things. Even at the age of 19 i am terrified of how she will react, and i think that has put a MAJOR daper on our relationship. I don't want my kids to EVER feel scared of me, or like i might hurt them if they do something wrong. So i will never spank my kids, it is going to take alot of will power on my part, just because i have a bad temper and that usually results in me wanting to hit something.
I don't believe in spanking,as a general rule. I can see all the reasons it is wrong.
However i have spanked my kid,also out of desperation.When she was younger and "easier" I was on this holier than thou cloud and thought i would nevereverever spank. But what i didnt know was that my kid would eventually turn into the most high strung,hyperactive, intense, stubborn kid i have EVER met! Not that this is any good reason to spank,of course. I just got to the point where I didn't know what to do,and nothing seemed to be working. And i started thinking "maybe my family/friends/neighbors/everyone and their dogs are right- maybe she just needs a good old fashioned spanking". I think when you get to the end of your rope,you start doubting your ability to parent and that can be dangerous. I have spanked my daughter more than once,all out of desperation, and I honestly I don't think that did anything either. I've got a stubborn one! (but i wouldnt have her any other way!)
But I don't think (i really hope) I will ever spank her again. It has made me feel too guilty and anxious in the past,and didn't really solve any of her behavioral problems either. Its been a long time since I did that so i'm proud of myself for keeping my patience with her.
I have never spanked her. I have lost it twice and smacked her, and not only did I feel like shit, but it didn't work at all. I will never spank her.
We do use timeouts, as a punishment. I have tried other methods, and this is the one that works for us. I generally give her a count to three to change her behavior and then she has to go on a time out.
I don't yell at her. Well, I try not to. We have a rule about "we don't yell at people in this house," and so when I begin to yell, she looks at me and says "Mama, we don't YELL in this House!" which cracks me up.
She is free to go yell in her room, or in another room, but not at me or other people.
And, I am free to go yell in another room as well, but not at her. It works well for us.
I do that too. :) Although I do slip sometimes. Yesterday we were getting ready to go and DD was telling me to put my shoes on. She said, "Put your shoes on Mommy" I was doing something and she said, "NOW!". Oops. lol
I agree, Julesmama. I NEVER thought I would spank and was VERY judgemental of mothers who spank. She was at least three and a half before I did it, and at least three before I felt the urge to do it. It is easy to say you never will, until your sweet little toddler turns into a terror from another planet. I work really hard to ensure that I never do it again though. I am not trying to justify it because I know its wrong, but I just want mothers of younger children to know that as they get older the "Let's go take a BATH!!!" starts to REALLY lose its effect.
I don't have my own, but we never spank my godson. He's still young enough to be 'distracted' which is great, and time - outs work well ( I've only had to do it twice when I had him, though ). He's a really quick little kid too, so usually you can just tell him to look at you, hold his face and explain in very simple terms what he's doing and why he shouldn't ( like at a restaurant - if he starts to whine, you can tell him that all the other people in the restaurant didn't come to hear him cry, and if he needs to cry, then we'll go outside ).
I remember when I was younger, my parents spanked me and my sisters. The last time they did, my younger sister had lied about something ( can't remember what ), and my dad gave her the option of standing on her head or being spanked.....I recall watching her stand on her head for like 20 minutes, crying hysterically until she couldn't hold herself up anymore, and then she was spanked with a wooden spoon.
I don't think you gain anything out of spanking...It just makes the spankee frightened of the spanker and depletes trust.
I don't think beating with a wooden spoon after terrorizing a child is the same as spanking.
I don't think it's that much different.
I don't see the need to differentiate between greater and lesser forms of violence? Hitting is hitting.
We were SPANKED with wooden spoons when we were young too, my mom NEVER beat us. I understand that hitting is hitting, and i agree. BUt you can swat a kid on the butt, or you can beat them until it is blue. There is a difference.
I also believe there is a difference, but I don't condone spanking. My parent's spanked my sister and I (a swat on the butt with an open palm, no wooden spoons or belts and I only remember a handfull of times when we were actually spanked) and I know it's because they felt it was what was best. Their parents spanked them (my dad had to go cut his own switches to be spanked with, and was spanked BEFORE they went somewhere for how he was going to act when they got there) and so it was what they knew and what they were told to do. I'm working to end the cycle though I hold no resentment to my parents for doing the best they knew how to.
But I do see a difference in types of spankings, it doesn't mean any form is right but there are some that are worse than others.
i don't condone it either. My grandpa was the same with the mom and her siblings, made them cut their own. He was a very violent man. I also don't resent my mom for doing, thats what she knew, and thats what she thought worked. I won't be spanking my kids though, so i think me and my sister broke the cycle. i hope.
I disagree. It's still abuse. A lesser degree of physical damage, but abuse nonetheless.
Im not a parent yet, but I really really hope that I never get to the point where I have to spank. I think its totally wrong, and want to avoid it at all cost.
That being said, its easier said then done, and a lot of parents spank out of desparation....and I dont want to go ahead and say that they are totally wrong, because I dont know what was going through their heads at the time.
I have complete and utter compassion for parents who hit their children because they were at the end of their rope and didn't know what to to. I think we need to have more of a "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality in the world in general. Then parents would be MUCH less likely to feel that desperate since they would have help.
You say two complelely different things in your post- that hitting children is totally wrong and that it's not wrong depending on what the parents were thinking. I disagree. Any hitting or any human being is a human rights violation. It really doesn't matter "what they were thinking." It still needs to be dealt with.
I also am angry at the wording of this "HAVE to spank." There is NO REASON a child NEEDS to be hit.
I agree with Delphiki, a child does not HAVE to be spanked.
As for the difference between being BEATEN and being SPANKED, I can tell you there is one. I have been beaten, and I have been spanked. My parents were sure to never spank out of anger, but I have been abused out of anger. Spanking is a punishment which is planned and behaviuor-specific. Beating, or abuse of any kind, is rarley a thought process, simply a reaction.
I have no respect for someone who beats their child, I have less respect for someone who spanks.
I think i just worded it wrong...by have, i mean...if i lose it, and accidently hit my child....I just figured, its real nice for me to sit here, and say that I will never spank my child...but what do I know? I dont have a child yet, so I dont really know what it can get like.
I think spanking as a regular diciplinary tactic is wrong. I just cant sit here and say "every mother who has ever spanked her child, is wrong", because its not fair of me to judge other situations....people slip up and make mistakes....and aslong as that person who has spanked their child, starts identifying what triggered that reaction, and is working to avoid it happening again, I really cant judge what they have done.
Swatting on the but with an open palm is wrong. But it does not cause permanent damage. You are right it is abuse, but it is not nearly the same degree as terrorizing and beating a child. I have never left a mark. That does not mean what I did was OK, but I did not actually cause my child physical damage. Using a weapon against a child can cause serious physical damage. Children have died from this. Parents who use these more extreme methods are abusive. They hurt thier children for a variety of reasons. Parents who lose it and swat on the but occassionally have done something wrong, but they are not abusive parents. I would never condone taking a child away from thier parents for a simple swat on the but, even though it is wrong. But if I knew someone that was beating their child with a switch for lying, I would be seriously worried about the welfare of that child, and I would support the investigation of child protective services in that case. There is a BIG difference between losing it and slapping, and regularly beating as a form of "discipline".
It does cause damage though- just not damage that you can see. It causes psychological damage. I just cannot agree that there is no damage to a child/person when they are hit. I don't think a child should be taken away for that either. My question is: where is the line? when is it damaging, in your opinion?
I have hit my child out of anger. I regret it 100% but I did the best I could from then on out.
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