3 weeks ago today I was raped. This is the first time since then that I have been able to sit down and try to talk about it. I have so many mixed feeling on it. I feel like it is my fault. I work two jobs and my second one I work as a coyote at a bar (yes like the movie) and I don't get off until 2am. The parking lot is around the back of the bar and there is no back exit. Usually I walk out with the 5 other girls, but this time I was in a rush to get home because the only person at my house was my 14 year old cousin who lives with me and I still feel leary with her and my two babies sleeping at home with no real adult so I walked out a little early and alone. I now realize what a big mistake I made. I wasn't smart enough to get my car keys out BEFORE I walked outside so I was standing at my car door messing with my purse trying to find them in the dark. I never even heard anybody coming I just remember feeling someone reach around me and grab for my keys as soon as I got them and then push me back into my car. I was too afraid to scream. I was too afraid to fight against him. I was even too afraid to spit out the word no. I just let him assult me. I hate myself for that. I should have fought harder. I should have screamed. I should have said no. I didn't want it but I was afraid. When it was over he took my entire purse all he left were my car keys. I had so many things in there with my address on there what if he comes back to my house? That is my biggest fear. I had a locksmith change all the locks on my windows and doors and install more locks on my door. I am living with 12, yes TWELVE deadbolt locks on my door. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I cry all the time. I don't feel safe. I didn't tell anybody about this. I just went home and spent forever in the shower. I still feel dirty. Its like can still smell him on me he smelled like cheap alcohol yet I have taken countless showers and almost scrubbed my skin raw. I took my birth control pills as if they were morning after pills to prevent pregnancy but what about stds? I know I should get tested as soon as possible but I am so so so afraid. I flip out at the littlest things. I don't even feel comfortable standing next to a man in the grocery store. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to get help for myself. I also had $500 worth of tips from both of my jobs combined so now I am going to be so short on my bills this month. He raped me in my car and I couldn't push myself to get back into that same car. I traded it in and bought a new one. I had to pay $400 to the locksmith. Not only was I raped, but I am literally paying for it and pushing myself into debt by paying out for things to make myself feel safe with money that I just dont have. I can't keep on living like this. It is always on my mind and I can't stop thinking about how weak I was and how I should have tried to make him stop. I really want to forget that it ever even happened. Maybe I will feel better now that I have told some people. :cry:
First of all, it was **NOT** your fault.
Secondly, you came away from it ALIVE. That's the best you can ask after an assault. Do NOT feel guilty for not screaming or whatever.
PLEASE get some help. Look in your Yellow Pages or online - there is probably a rape crisis hotline. You need to talk to someone, to learn how to eventually start the healing process, how to take your life back and not be afraid. It won't be easy, and it won't happen overnight, but you WILL survive! Stay strong, mama, and please keep us posted.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am so sorry this happened.
You did not deserve it. Nobody does.
We are all here to support you and to listen.
((big hugs))
~ fairy
I am so so so so sorry this happened to you... i know how you feel tho, when i was in 8th grade i was raped by this guy that i thought was my friend (although i did try to fight back, i told him no and he proceeded to have sex with me after i punched him in the face and told him to stop, so yes i was raped). I had to switch schools and everything. One thing I learned tho, is that you can NOT blame yourself. You didnt do anything wrong at all... dont beat yourself up about it, please. I promise things will get better for you. Maybe go to counceling? That helped me alot. Im here for you if you want to talk, just PM me...again im sorry
*HUGS*
(((HUGS)))
It is NOT your fault.
We are all here to support you and listen to you when you need to talk.
I know where you are mama.
Be strong. PM me if you ever need anything.
Much love and healing vibes to you,
Avery
I'm SO sorry, mama.
Please, please don't blame yourself. It was NOT your fault.
I second the idea of calling a rape crisis line. We're here for you, we're listening.
All my love to you, mama. Take care of yourself.
Kate
its NOT your fault girl. did u get a look of the guy? i also agree with getting help,a crisis line etc and definetly go get tested. im here for u if u need me for anything,or if u just need someone to talk to.ive got verizon and it has free long distance so if u ever want someone just to listen let me know.*hugs* girl be strong,sending you my love and support...~*hugs*~
I am so terribly sorry.
Please, please, please don't blame yourself. You were raped because that evil,horrible monster was a rapist, not because of anything you did or didn't do. You are not responsible.
Please, like the others are saying, call a crisis line, visit a centre.
Even if you're thinking you can deal with it or forget it happened, believe me it will help to get some advice, or just to be familiar with your options.
I've been raped. It doesn't go away because it cannot be undone, but I certainly I'm less affected by it now. It does get easier, but it takes time.
It does sometime take a bit for it to all to hit, you know?
I'm sorry you've got so much you have to do right now, ask for help from anyone you can (whether helping with the kids or around the house, staying over with you, listening to you, holding you) to make day-to-day stuff easier.
Surviving and healing is hard work, I hope you have lot's of support around you, certainly you have heaps of support here.
Sending you strength and healing vibes.
I am really really sorry.
Take care.
oh i asked if u got a look at the guy so u could go and give a police report,if u can still do that im not sure.
I want to echo the words of the women above.
this was NOT your fault, you did not in any way deserve this. this person is fucked up and I'm really really sorry you had to go through this.
I'd definitely call a rape crisis line as well as call on those around you to help you. Are there any GMs in your area who can help? (((hugs))) mama, take care of yourself.
Letti, my heart goes out to you, really. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. This is in no way your fault.
I think you should call the rape crisis hotline as well. Maybe just talking to someone would help.
I don't really have any other advice, but I do wish you much healing.
oh mama, i'm so so sorry.
what happened was definately not your fault. i know it's hard not to blame yourself, i struggled with this for a long time.
please do call a crisis centre. talking to someone really does help. do you have any gm's who live in your area who may be able to help you out?
sending you healing vibes
please don't blame yourself
*hugs* I'm so sorry. :(
I am so sorry this happened to you. And the ONLY person at blame is HIM.
I really hope you get yourself some kind of help. You don't want this to completely take you over- your mental health is important for you and your child. Especially since you are working so hard- you need to take care of yourself. I also think that a crisis line would be good- they probably have a lot of resources to refer you to. Maybe you could even get some financial assistance???
Keep coming here and talking. Let us know how you are doing. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
i am terribly sorry this happened to you.
I totally agree that it would be a good idea to call a rape crisis centre...
the number for RAINN (rape, abuse and incest national network) is 1-800-656-HOPE.
I am wishing you happy, healing thoughts.
Letti-
(bear hug)
Just want you to know I'm thinking of you too.
I'm sorry, It's not your fault at all.
If you're really behind on your bills, you can pm me and I could send you something. Even $40-50 might be of some service. If you need anything at all....
Same here, if you're in a bind and need some cash because of this PM me and I'll send over a money order. If you need to talk at all, I'm a fellow rape survivor and a great listener, there's always a shoulder here if you need one, feel free to PM. I'm so sorry that this happened, and definitely, do NOT feel like it's your fault, it's no one's fault besides that disgusting perverted fuckhead who did it. If there's anything I can do at all, please tell me, I'd love to help.
Take care girl, be strong, you're in my prayers.
does your bar know? this may be a bit quick but the bar owner, manager, bouncer may know if there was someone hanging around that night or previous nights. are there cameras over the door or parking lot? if there are, maybe they caught something.
but thats for the future. right now just take care of yourself. much love.
I am soo sorry that happened to you! It is NOT your fault and you got away from that monster alive and that is the best thing u could have done! I hope they catch this creep so u can have some closure! HUGS
This is NOT your fault!
I'm so sorry this happened to you. ((((Very gentle hugs))))
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault,and you handled it properly. Fighting him could have gotten you hurt or killed.
I really encourage you to contact law enforcement. If there are security cameras at the bar, they may have caught the man or even his car. Also, if he tries to use your credit card, or something else in your purse, they can catch him.
I am so sorry. But you didn't do anything wrong, HE was in the wrong. I'm just glad that you're alive. We're here to support you.
Thank you so much for the support everyone you have no idea how much I feel like I need it sometimes lately. I told my cousin about everything tonight. He was very supportive and offered to write me a check for $5,000 to try and help me get caught up with everything and be able to make the first couple car payments on my new car. I feel bad accepting the money, but I really need it so I think I'm going to...with the intention of repaying him back ASAP. I know I need to get tested for any std's its just I don't want to find out the answer, ya know? I don't feel any different, no physical signs of any, but I know that doesn't mean I am safe. I guess the next step is to go get tested.
I'd also like to find a place that offers counceling that I could go to on a regular basis because I know there is no way I am strong enough to deal with this without talking to someone. Does anyone know if there are free services or if I would have to pay? Would my insurance cover it? Would a crisis line be able to hook me up with a place in my area?
http://www.rainn.org/
1.800.656.HOPE (whatever that works out to on a phone)
totally free and confidential (wont show up on a phone bill - for those still living with their attackers)
http://www.rainn.org/counseling.html
this is the direct link for getting a local group.
Hey gurl. I can really say i know how you feel.. but then i can't. I have gotten raped so many times it just to me now feels like apart of life. I have been group raped got P and they killed my baby now i always have miscarriages. I was always raped by my old boyfriend and when my hubby and i first started going out he raped me too. It to me is a part of life i started to get raped when i was 5 years old. But i do remember how i felt the first time i stoped to think it was wrong. I remember how i wanted to take shower after shower and cry run and hide. But you CAN'T LET THIS TAKE OVA YOUR LIFE!!!!! I dont' want to say he never would cause i dont know but he is not likely to come to your house in fear that you would call he police but i siad i am not sure it is just unlikely. you have to remember that it was not your fault that you didnt' so something wrong for this to happen to you and that THINGS WILL GET BETTER! i promise things will get better. You have to be able to stop living in fear. If you want you could talk to your boss about haveing a camera or lights put out there. I dotn' know what to tell you cause i just feel it is apart of life. But dont' let it take ova. You have to kind of think what is done is done it was not my fault it did not make me any worse of a person. Hey you coudl think of it as you are so fine he just coudl not help himself. :) If you need anybody to talk to I am always here and would be glad to listen. Take care
I LOVE YOU!
Just wanted to tell you how sorry i am this happened. I agree with everyone else, you should find someone to talk to. It's been over 3 years since my rape and i still can't bring myself to talk to anyone although i know it would probably help me a lot.
i would take your cousin up on his offer. its one less thing for you to worry about right now...
i agree with everyone else to call that 1800 # they gave you. they sound definatly be able to hook you up with someone to talk to at a sliding scale place. have you thought about going to planned parenthood to get tested? they might also be able to help you find someone locally to talk too.
we all make decisions we regret later on. but trust me your decision not to fight was a smart one. like someone else said it could have gotten you hurt or killed. i also ditto talking to someone at the bar you work at. you never know but maybe that same guy could still be lurking around... i would definatly want to know if something like that had happened to one of my co-workers so i could be more careful...
::hugs:: i'm here if you need to talk or vent k mama??? let us know how your doing... i'll be thinking of ya
I am so sorry. :( Call the numbers listed above, they should be able to hook you up with local resources. *big hug*
I called the 1-800 number and got hooked up with a center locally. Its about 15 minutes away from my house and I have an appointment for this Tuesday coming up. I'm really nervous I don't do well talking about serious things with people I just met. Especially this because whenever I even think about it I can't stop crying and I don't like people I just met to see me weak. I know they see this kind of stuff everyday but its my own personal thing ya know? I know I have to do this though because I'm starting to neglect the little things around my house. Like today I couldn't even get up to take Tommie to a birthday party she was invited to because I couldn't stop thinking about everything and crying. I want to be able to get better so that I can be back to being my fun mama self again. I think my kids are what is motivating me to do this.
I havent talked to my boss yet about it. I have been to work many times since but just can never bring myself to talk to him about it. Hes really nice, not intimidating at all, but I think I'm just afraid hes going to be like wh didnt you wait to walk out with someone else? Why didnt you walk out with one of the bouncers? Thats the rule of the club that we do that because they know the parking lot isnt in the safest location and I just ingored that and left to get home to my kids. I feel kinda stupid cause I don't want him to be like why did you wait so long to tell me? Ugh! I guess I need to stop thinking about everything and just do it already!
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